For almost 24 hours now, I have sat in my room and tried to process losing my friend and neighbor, Barb, last week, whose funeral I couldn't bring myself to attend, and a much respected comedian I often turn to in times of sadness. Williams brought me out of the deepest darkest places sometimes. Humans connect with each other here on earth in ways that are unexpected. I never met him. I feel the loss of him as if he were my friend.
Yesterday was awful. Afternoon led into darkness and that's about all. I hope my kids forgive me my need for solitude. I try to interact with them but when it gets this bad it's for their own good that I encourage them to "get out and about" and see their friends or occupy their time with cleaning their rooms. I'll tell you what, if a million and one podcasts had existed in my day, my room would have been spotless. These kids don't know how good they have it.
A year ago, I was giving my kittens away and opening my first business checking account.
Today I will try to go back to the world and act like I am not in such a severe state of depression that just saying hello will bring tears to my eyes. Yeah, it gets that bad and it REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. I have real responsibilities I wish I could relinquish to the highest bidder sometimes. School registration, band camp, parent meetings, library visits, grocery shopping, laundry, school clothes shopping, finding-a-pair-of-jeans-that-fit-mom shopping.
The emotional upheaval currently described as "depression" is more like going over Niagara Falls, over and over and over and feeling like there is no solid ground under your emotional feet. It's quite disconcerting, and minimizing the damage in my life is a constant struggle. I don't want to be a burden, none of us do, but this kind of thing is debilitating! Bring me some tea and some way to pass the time. Don't call me with a bunch of questions, or attack me for not making any sense. I know I don't make sense, none of this makes sense.
*I WILL CANCEL PLANS WITH YOU IF I FEEL YOU ARE TOO DEMANDING. I WILL PUSH YOU TO THE BACK OF THE PRIORITY LINE.
*And when I feel better I will remember that you didn't respect my requests, and will expect less in the future.
*This diatribe does not reflect any situation with my children. This diatribe is addressed to adults only.
Thanksgiving to Christmas 2013 was horrific and I wish I could never dream again.
In February I started eating better and lost 23+lbs to date.
These erratic notes brought to you by me, in the throws of trying to get my head straight enough to go to the damn library and make some phone calls. If it wasn't for the kids, I probably would have disappeared into the woods somewhere by now. I have lost so much time, like I just skip over the times my brain doesn't work and I feel like I've only lived about half my life in reality.
I think that's what people that don't have a chronic illness don't realize. They get to live every day to its fullest. We get to wake up and find out if today is one of those days, or if it's a day to struggle and make people think you are living it like they are. They can't know what it's like and we're not very good at explaining it so it doesn't sound like we are petulant children. I live in a time in my life when there are the highest numbers of suicides for my age group. We are not petulant children. We are people who have struggled with brains that don't work like yours because you run the world, oh healthy ones. You expect too much from too many of us and discount the real value we have in the world, showing you another point of view. And now, in mid-to-late-life, we are tired of the struggle. Some of us are so tired, the end is rushed by our own hand. Our children are growing older, our jobs are exhausting, our families don't understand us, many of our friends have deserted us, and we're tired of trying so hard.
I just want a 6 month vacation instead. I like this world, I don't want to leave it. I just need a break from it.
No comments:
Post a Comment